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Wolfish Delight

~ A peek into my mind ~

Being 17

Being 16 is cool and all but for me 17 years old and above was where it was at, maybe it was because all the protagonists in the books I read happened to be 17. So I’ve been 17 for a while now but I realised something while at my friend’s 18th birthday party. She had some family round and I’ve known her forever so of course I was there with my family too.

And when I got home I realised something, when I was younger and I had grown past the age of just wanting to run around with all the other little kids at parties, I always looked up at the older teenagers and how they looked good with their makeup all done, in their nice outfits, how the adults would treat them less like kids. I aspired to be like that and I just couldn’t wait until I looked like my own version of that, to look and feel like an adult. Well, closer to it than how you feel in your preteen years anyway.

Coming home from my friend’s party, I realised I had reached that point in life! I came home and looked in the mirror at myself with my straightened hair, nice makeup and swishy outfit and there she was. As much as being 17 is stressful, with exams, planning out my future endeavours in education and all of that; I have grown up quite a bit and it is being recognised my actual adults. It’s a wild concept to say the least and I think 11 year old me would be proud of my eye shadow skills.

I don’t know if I’ve articulated how I’m feeling all that accurately, but this is as good as it’s gonna get! Have any of you guys felt like this?

Until next time! 🙂

 

Me vs clothes sizes

*There is a lot of mention of body sizes, clothes sizes etc please don’t read this if you’re not comfortable with that*

So I have been a size 10 in clothes for a while, maybe since I was 14/15? I’m currently 17, and I now fit more into size 12s and 14s. When I first started buying size 12 clothes in shops I wasn’t too bothered because it wasn’t very often that I needed them, and after all it was only one size bigger than usual. Then I started shopping for clothes online, and I was already a bit sceptical of the sizing so I measured myself and used the size guide charts because size 10 on one site is a size 8 or 12 on another.

I quickly found that according to a few sites, I was a size 14. This was for a skirt btw. So I was like well ok then and I bought the skirt, it’s now my favourite skirt and I wear it very frequently! I was in primark last week and I got some mom mum jeans, in a size 12, I wasn’t completely sure whether it would fit but I thought I’d be fine.

It was not fine.

I probably need to get a size 14 or possibly 16. Which are bordering on my mum’s sizes for clothes which freaks me out a bit. They truly will be mum jeans 😮

The struggle for us women, is that our hips and boobs throw things slightly out of wack som- yeah no, all the time. I do love my body and if we’re talking about body shapes then I have an hour glass figure, which in theory is lovely but when it comes to shopping then it’s a bit of a struggle. Slouchy t shirts ftw! May I just add that even though I’m going up in sizes, my weight is the same and if anything some parts of me have slimmed down.

I did freak out a little bit when I realised how my clothes sizes had changed and I’ve always been content as a size 10 because I thought that was average, at least that was what I was lead to believe. However a quick google search shows that the average dress size in the UK is currently 16, so why am I freaking out? I am still average, and I’m the happiest I have ever been with my body so really these numbers shouldn’t mean anything. Just a way for me to find the clothes that fit my body, not an identifying factor.

To add to my confusion further, apparently some magazines class anyone above size 12 as “plus size”, I mean they’re kidding right? I don’t really mind being called plus size but I’m not actually plus sized, I’m average sized as are many of my friends so if we’re considered plus sized then what are we saying about the women who actually classify as plus sized? It’s so unfair to throw an average sized woman onto the cover a magazine and applaud yourself for your poor excuse of plus sized representation.

Honestly, anyone else beginning to think magazines only exist to lower our self esteem sheesh….

Now, I really don’t know where I was going with this post and it turned into a bit of a rant but there we go! What are your thoughts on clothing companies and their wildly different sizes and magazines with their unrealistic expectations?

Until next time! 🙂

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/london-fashion-week/the-average-size-in-the-uk-is-a-16-so-why-dont-we-see-that-on-th/ 

Being my own best friend

Being your own best friend, sounds like a bit of weird concept doesn’t it?

I’m at a point in my life where I feel very alone, I have a handful of people I can sort of rely on but I don’t feel comfortable doing so yet, plus I don’t think they could really help. I think I’m experiencing this specific part of my life to learn a very valuable lesson.

Time and time again I’ve realised that the only person I can truly rely on in my life is me, only I know how I’m feeling, only I’m going to be there during my 2am breakdowns. It only makes sense that I take care of myself does it not?

I’ve spent the majority of my life not being truly in tune with how I’ve been feeling, until I was about 15 I simply ignored anything that was uncomfortable and locked it away in an effort to not feel such things. That’s just how I learned to cope.

But now, a few months away from being 18, I’ve begun to feel everything. At quite an intense level. These waves of emotion have forced me to address what’s wrong with me and talk it out, with myself. Can you imagine trying to shove a whole ocean into a little box? It’s a hell of a lot scarier but a much better idea to let the ocean be and let the waves do their thing. The waves being my emotions, as you have probably gathered.

In amongst the emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing these past few weeks, I’m happy to say that after a while of moping I eventually manage to talk myself into seeing the silver lining or perhaps accepting that I’m going to be suffering for the same reasons in the near future, and more importantly knowing that the situation is not something I can control.  I know I’m gonna be hurting regardless of what I do, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a friend to myself and find ways to take care of myself at my lower points in life. For example for an upcoming ~situation~, I’ve planned out shows to watch, books to read and work outs to do, in an effort to keep myself busy and hopefully make myself tired enough that I’ll fall asleep quickly.

I’ve learnt from countless hours of psychology lessons about how avoiding things that induce anxiety will only reinforce the fear, so I’m trying to be at peace with such anxiety inducing stimuli in hopes of helping myself get over them. While the fear is very much so still there and I really don’t want those things to happen, I’ve almost convinced myself this is a good idea. Almost. Plus there is no alternative, I have to learn to cope with these things.

I hope my rambles have made sense. The only person you truly have in your life is yourself, so treat yourself right.

Until next time 🙂

 

You don’t want kids??

As a girl, I’ve noticed that the topic of whether I want children crops up every so often, sometimes teachers just talk as though they expect all of us to have children. And my answer usually shocks the people asking, some even seem offended.

Most people I’ve talked to start interrogating me as to why I don’t want them, as if I should have a presentation ready to show them. I get told I’ll want them in the future, I get told my life will be boring without them and on and on.

But let me tell you why I don’t want kids, maybe in the future I can direct future interrogators to this blog post!

  • Pregnancy is uncomfortable and puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position
  • Child birth is incredibly painful and my vagina doesn’t deserve that
  • I can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of my life dedicated to making sure this tiny human doesn’t become a screw up
  • Children are expensive
  • They’re messy
  • I want to go on holidays to relax, not be frustrated because little Jimmy over here forgot his teddy at home and wants to have a tantrum instead of getting on the plane. Plus flights are cheaper during off peak season
  • Getting good amounts of sleep
  • Really don’t like the idea of having someone depend on me like that
  • I just want to live for me and be as relaxed as I can be with my partner, instead of stressing about dress up day and exams
  • Also I don’t really like children, like I won’t be a huge dick to them but I would rather not have to be around them

A much better alternative for me would be pets!! Maybe a rabbit, cat or a dog! Maybe all three! They’re cute, fluffy and won’t talk back to me.

What are your thoughts, do you want kids or not?

Until next time 🙂

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Why I probably won’t drink

So, alcohol. There’s a lowkey pressure to go to parties, drink alcohol and ~have fun~ once you hit your late teens/early 20s and beyond.

But what if I told you, brace yourselves here, that you could have fun without drinking? Shocking, I know.

Kermit the frog, looking very much drunk, lying on a bench with empty bottles of alcohol around him

I couldn’t resist!

All sarcasm aside, I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with drinking. It’s not a sin, just be as responsible as you can be and make sure you’re keeping yourself and others safe. So no drunk driving, seriously, there’s no need.

But just because I don’t disagree with it doesn’t mean I have to take part in it yknow? I just don’t think it’s my kinda thing in general. Loud parties and drunk sweaty teenagers? No thank you! I don’t enjoy the thought of not being as in control of what I say or do. I can only imagine the kind of things I’d end up saying to people if I didn’t  have a filter… *shudder*

I think if my some random chance I did decide to go to a party, I’d prefer to take care of my drunk-off-their-face friends and make sure they got home safe and sound.

Plus, I’ve seen countless family breakdowns within close family friends which may not have happened if there was no alcohol present. Of course alcohol is not the one solely to blame but I can’t help but think of it as an enabler. My temper isn’t exactly great and I don’t think alcohol could help, plus I’d rather not find that alcohol “helps”, using that term very loosely, with my mental illness and then start depending on it. In an extreme case of course. 

I thought I’d just write this post to say you’re not weird if you don’t wanna drink, it’s a perfectly normal standpoint to have and you shouldn’t let anyone make you feel like you have to drink to be interesting.

Until next time 🙂

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My tattoo ideas

Currently at the tender age of 17, I can’t get a tattoo yet but that doesn’t mean I haven’t started planning out all the different types of tattoos I want! I thought I’d share a few pictures of things that are similar to what I want when I eventually get round to getting one. I don’t think all of my tattoos are going to have really deep and meaningful reasoning behind them. I know some will, I’m thinking of getting a tattoo to do with my wedding day whenever that happens, but for the most part they’re just gonna be things that I think look really cool or just things that I like!

(I’ll be getting all my pictures from Pinterest, of course)


My favourite animals are wolves, simple enough reason for a tattoo, I’m not entirely sure why but I really like them! Plus I think this is way cooler than just getting a picture of a wolf tattooed.

So this one is a bookish one, of course, it’s similar to the kind of tattoo I want to do with the night court which is from the “A Court of Thorns and Roses” series by SJM. That series seriously helped me out in some sucky times so I’ve just become so invested in it that it only makes sense to have a tattoo to represent it on me. However I felt the same way about Twilight when I was 12 (I still love Twilight fully aware of it’s flaws, don’t hate) so we’ll see!

So this one, is fairly self explanatory. I don’t enjoy the darkness that comes with winter as you may have seen me rant about on twitter, and I even wrote a whole blog post about it here, but I really do love the moon. I’m not sure why but it’s just calming and ever so slightly enchanting.

I’m not one to put all my faith into horoscopes, but I do identify with the characteristics of my zodiac sign and I’m not sure what other reason there is but I just really like it ok. So I’m a Taurus, ruled by the planet Venus, an earth sign and apparently the flower for my sign is Delphinium. All of which are incorporated quite beautifully in the second one on the top row. I’m not sure if I’d want to include the flowers, as pretty as they are, I don’t feel all that strongly about them nor do I want any colour tattoos.

This is just a simpler wolf tattoo that I really liked the look of, it’s a wolf drawn with one line which I thought looked wicked.

I’m not entirely sure of placements yet, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually! I obviously have some more meaningful tattoo ideas but I haven’t quite figured out what kinda picture I’d want to go with each idea.

Do you want to get tattoos? Or do you already have some?

Until next time 🙂

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Reflecting on 2017

Hey everyone! I hope you had a happy Christmas, and if Christmas isn’t your thing then I hope you’ve been having a nice chilled week!

In an attempt to be positive, half way through this fairly miserable year I restarted an old idea of mine. Where I write on small slips of paper good things that happen throughout the year, put them in a jar and then I go through and read them all at the end of the year. Seeing as it’s nearing the end of 2017 I thought I’d share them with you guys, there aren’t as many seeing as I only started this in July and kept forgetting about it!

I do plan to do this again for 2018 and will definitely do a round up post this time next year!

Here we go, not even in chronological order:

  1. I passed my theory test for driving
  2. Still a vegetarian! (1.5 years and counting!)
  3. I have a cactus
  4. My skin has improved massively
  5. Have started getting into cruelty free makeup
  6. I got a new room
  7. I’ve started journaling
  8. My body confidence and general self esteem has improved a lot
  9. I cut my hair (12 inches!)  and donated it to charity
  10. My poetry has improved
  11. Started self hosting my blog
  12. Still going strong my bf <3
  13. Really started appreciating Tamil films, songs and the language in general. (Tamil is my ‘mother tongue’ if you were wondering)
  14. I’m a lot less stressed at school, and this year is going much better than the last

There isn’t as many as there usually would be but I’m still happy about this list. I hope 2018 brings even better memories than this year, for all of us!

I have one more post that falls perfectly on New year’s eve, so until next time 🙂

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My actual thoughts on Christmas

Now, I don’t hate Christmas by any means, I enjoy the beautiful decor and general atmosphere in the weeks leading up to the big day. But you may have noticed the staggering lack of Christmassy posts from me in the sea of blogmas and just general Christmas content.

Christmas wasn’t really “enforced” growing up, it was always low key and quiet. Done for the sake of my brothers and I. Seeing as I don’t have much family in England, Christmas day wasn’t as extravagant as it was expected to be. After the initial present opening, the rest of the day seemed relatively normal.

While I do enjoy being organised and starting my Christmas shopping before December has even begun, it is a bit bothersome that you see Christmas splashed everywhere that you go from November onwards. Not because it’s too early as such, more that you get tired of it by the time the actual season rolls around.

There’s also the pressure to get presents, naturally. With some people there’s a blurry line whether you should get them something or not, always causes me some level of stress. But aside from that and the financial strain, I love getting presents for people I care about. Especially when you get to see their reaction to it, I think I did good with the presents I’ve gotten people this year even if I do say so myself! Although getting my bank statement for this month wasn’t all that great…

If I were to sort out my thoughts into a sentence it’s that I enjoy the atmosphere and the build up to it, just not that bothered about Christmas day itself.

How do you feel about Christmas?

Until next time 🙂

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Winter and my productivity

If you know me, you know I’ve always said that I loved Winter and Autumn. While that’s still true, I have a bone to pick with Winter. The cold I can deal with, the wind and rain, even the snow that makes life difficult, I can deal with all of that. But getting dark at 4pm? Really?

I was always adamant that I loved every part of these two cold seasons, but not anymore. The dark means that my parents are even more hesitant that usual to let me out. So ok, I’m stuck at home, now what? Nothing, because it takes a tremendous amount of effort to get any form of work done seeing as the lack of light outside makes me want to get into bed and stay there until it’s Spring…

Which isn’t useful when you have a blog to run and sixth form to get through… Plus, seeing as it’s basically pitch black by 5pm when 8pm rolls around I’m so ready to go to bed but I then realise I can’t after I look at the time and then at all the things I need to get done. 

Winter can be beautiful, incredibly so. As can the dark, “without the darkness, we’d never see the stars” etc. However, by living in a city I rarely see the stars anyway so there goes that.

In general, the dark doesn’t have a great affect on my mood and mindset. If I sit in the dark for too long, I just start feeling down and incredibly unmotivated for life. Sometimes I don’t get why it’s happening to me until I turn the light on and then it’s like ah right…

So the Summer wins on this one, and only this one,  brighter evenings are nice and I’d quite like them back now thanks.

Do you guys feel like this, or am I just being overly dramatic?

Until next time 🙂

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Why I love to write

They say to be a good writer you need to read a lot. So that’s where my story begins, for as long as I can remember I’ve loved reading and books. Sometimes I get interested in other things for a period of time, like makeup, but I always wander back to books. I, of course, still love makeup but not to the magnitude that I love books.
But I haven’t been a writer as long as I’ve been a reader, I always wanted to write books but I wasn’t that great at it. I gave it a good go though! Then this year I revisited poetry, and I have enjoyed it. I still write poems but they usually stem from a raw and painful emotion I’m feeling at the time of writing it and sharing those poems would be equal to bearing my soul to you all. Which I’m not ready for, I can barely go back and read them the next day in fear of falling back into that place.
But I forgot how much I love writing these past few months, with the constant essays and coursework it’s easy to forget how to write from the soul.
And I love blogging, but I haven’t felt creative this past month. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to monetise it and grow my following that I haven’t truly been writing about what want to write about. To be creative and let me soul speak for itself. All the blog posts I see around me are all about growing your blog, how to figure out SEO and monetising your blog.
All of which I appreciate very much and refer to when I’m stuck, but I don’t think I can write about those things and enjoy it. I want to make people feel something. Help them on a more personal scale, something that goes beyond how to grow your blog or what the latest lipstick I’m using is. I don’t want my blog to be a prettier version of the review section of Amazon or an instruction manual.
I don’t think I’m going to start spouting out stories and poems on this blog, I don’t think it’ll mesh well with the rest of my content and who knows how often I’ll be able to come up with that kind of content. So for that reason I’ve created a new instagram for my poetry, please go give that a follow! @ruthlessandbeautiful
And my blog? Well, I think I vaguely know what I’ll be doing with it, I’ll just continue on with writing the posts that I feel passionate about and see where it takes me!
Until next time 🙂
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