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Wolfish Delight

~ A peek into my mind ~

Why I love to write

They say to be a good writer you need to read a lot. So that’s where my story begins, for as long as I can remember I’ve loved reading and books. Sometimes I get interested in other things for a period of time, like makeup, but I always wander back to books. I, of course, still love makeup but not to the magnitude that I love books.
But I haven’t been a writer as long as I’ve been a reader, I always wanted to write books but I wasn’t that great at it. I gave it a good go though! Then this year I revisited poetry, and I have enjoyed it. I still write poems but they usually stem from a raw and painful emotion I’m feeling at the time of writing it and sharing those poems would be equal to bearing my soul to you all. Which I’m not ready for, I can barely go back and read them the next day in fear of falling back into that place.
But I forgot how much I love writing these past few months, with the constant essays and coursework it’s easy to forget how to write from the soul.
And I love blogging, but I haven’t felt creative this past month. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to monetise it and grow my following that I haven’t truly been writing about what want to write about. To be creative and let me soul speak for itself. All the blog posts I see around me are all about growing your blog, how to figure out SEO and monetising your blog.
All of which I appreciate very much and refer to when I’m stuck, but I don’t think I can write about those things and enjoy it. I want to make people feel something. Help them on a more personal scale, something that goes beyond how to grow your blog or what the latest lipstick I’m using is. I don’t want my blog to be a prettier version of the review section of Amazon or an instruction manual.
I don’t think I’m going to start spouting out stories and poems on this blog, I don’t think it’ll mesh well with the rest of my content and who knows how often I’ll be able to come up with that kind of content. So for that reason I’ve created a new instagram for my poetry, please go give that a follow! @ruthlessandbeautiful
And my blog? Well, I think I vaguely know what I’ll be doing with it, I’ll just continue on with writing the posts that I feel passionate about and see where it takes me!
Until next time 🙂
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An experience with catcalling

So remember in my first post where I said I’m not afraid to talk about the hush hush topics of life? Yeah here’s one of them.

Catcalling, one of the many delights us women face. Just keep in mind that this post is about ONE instance.

So, I got dressed for school and I was really happy with how I looked, more so than usual. I looked in the mirror and my first thought was “I look really good today!” Now my self-esteem isn’t horrendous but most days it’s more on the side of “eh it’ll do.”

As I was walking to school after my dad had dropped me off, I was outside for all of three minutes, in those three minutes two guys had honked their horns at me and the second made weird suggestive faces once he had gotten my attention. To which I rolled my eyes and went back to looking at my phone. Once I had crossed the road and gotten away from that creep, I began to feel uncomfortable. My previously positive thoughts about my looks were clouded with doubts.

Is my skirt too short?

Maybe I should cover my thighs with my bag…

Is anyone else looking at me funny?

And once I realised what was happening, I got angry. I tried to remind myself of how happy I felt when I looked in the mirror this morning.

And as if that wasn’t enough, while I was walking down after meeting my bf we walked past a bunch of builders. Now I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous. Maybe not nearly as much as if I was alone, but nervous nonetheless. Which is disgusting, that I can’t even walk to my own school in broad daylight without feeling self-conscious.

But I had faith, my boyfriend was right there so surely nothing would happen right? Nope. I walked through this group of builders with my boyfriend walking behind me, one of them was staring as I walked by and had the AUDACITY to tap my bf’s arm and make a suggestive face. THE FUCKING AUDACITY!!

Similar things have happened before but never so many in such a small space of time. All of this, from start to finish, probably happened in a 20 minute period?

To make matters worse, most guys don’t see what they’re doing as wrong. “Take it as a compliment” How about no. A compliment is when my friend tells me my hair looks nice, not when some low life creep honks his horn at me or when some guy old enough to be my dad no, be my granddad glues his eyes to my legs and won’t look away until I’m out of sight. Elders aren’t so wise when they think with their dicks.

Honestly, you don’t see lesbians staring open mouthed at other women. If they can be sexually attracted to women and still be a decent human being, I think men might just be able to manage it too.

Until next time 🙂

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My body image and me

Since I was about 6, I have been considered ‘chubby.’ I always had to wear clothes that weren’t for my age group. So at 6 I wore clothes that were for 7 or 8 year olds, even then it was a struggle. And my god did my family tease me. I don’t think I was that bothered by it as a kid, I was just really aware that I was fat. And that it was a bad thing. (It isn’t)

And then I reached 12 years old and since then my stomach has been my biggest insecurity. Literally… Along with other parts of my body, naturally. When I got changed I would do it so quickly and I wouldn’t stand in front of a mirror because I was afraid of what I’d see. That, my dear friends, was a big mistake. Because I can recommend nothing more highly that actually stopping and looking at yourself in the mirror while in your underwear (or naked??) to improve your self-esteem and perception of yourself. Why? Because you can see what your body actually looks like and hopefully realise it’s not as bad as you thought. Our brains naturally tend to go straight to the worst case scenario, mine definitely did. All those years I avoided my body, my brain was making awful assumptions and was making me seem so much worse than I actually was.

But I’ve learnt not to hate my stomach a much as I used to, I’m not sure what has come over me. I, of course, still have days where I’d rather the stomach pudge wasn’t there but it’s not as extreme as it used to be. I’ve embraced the pudge, to an extent. I think it’s because I decided I was going to focus on the parts of my body I do like. I like my legs and my boobs, my butt could use some work but we’ll get there eventually!

I’m still learning to love my body, but I’ve come a long way.

Until next time 🙂

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Being selfish in the name of self love

Sometimes, you just need to step back, from the hustle of life and the stresses of other people. Now I don’t know about you guys, but I get asked for advice. Less so now because I literally talk to about five people about things that go deeper than how my weekend was. By choice mind you, I don’t know how I managed it but I’ve shrunken my circle of friends and I’m more than satisfied with it. But before, I’d get questions from people I barely knew, they’d spill their most personal stories to me and ask me what they should do. And I’d try and help but I’m no psychologist, there’s not doctor patient confidentiality here. I felt compelled to help, because “how rude would I be if I didn’t?”

And after a while, it started to wear me down. I didn’t want to talk to certain people because “oh what are they gonna dump on me today?” Our conversations just became about their struggles, sometimes their own faults and they were just making the same mistakes over and over again. I have very little patience as is so imagine having to deal with someone coming back to you with the same issue because they couldn’t be bothered to change their ways. It was exhausting, and I was at a point in my life where I was already barely keeping my head above the water, I can’t hold other people up too! I have a select few people who I would gladly help. No doubt about it. They get me and my limits, I appreciate that.

But it’s not selfish to look after yourself, it has been pushed onto us since we could talk that we must put others before ourselves and we must be ready to help them at any point. But when you think about that, how is that even anywhere near healthy? I mean sure you shouldn’t be self-obsessed, but there’s a huge difference between being self-obsessed and making sure that your basic needs are being met. Both physically and mentally mind you. I’m not saying don’t help people, I’m just telling you to be wary of when it gets too much for you and to be able to take a step back and not feel guilty about it.

Until next time 🙂

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