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Wolfish Delight

~ A peek into my mind ~

Being my own best friend

Being your own best friend, sounds like a bit of weird concept doesn’t it?

I’m at a point in my life where I feel very alone, I have a handful of people I can sort of rely on but I don’t feel comfortable doing so yet, plus I don’t think they could really help. I think I’m experiencing this specific part of my life to learn a very valuable lesson.

Time and time again I’ve realised that the only person I can truly rely on in my life is me, only I know how I’m feeling, only I’m going to be there during my 2am breakdowns. It only makes sense that I take care of myself does it not?

I’ve spent the majority of my life not being truly in tune with how I’ve been feeling, until I was about 15 I simply ignored anything that was uncomfortable and locked it away in an effort to not feel such things. That’s just how I learned to cope.

But now, a few months away from being 18, I’ve begun to feel everything. At quite an intense level. These waves of emotion have forced me to address what’s wrong with me and talk it out, with myself. Can you imagine trying to shove a whole ocean into a little box? It’s a hell of a lot scarier but a much better idea to let the ocean be and let the waves do their thing. The waves being my emotions, as you have probably gathered.

In amongst the emotional turmoil I’ve been experiencing these past few weeks, I’m happy to say that after a while of moping I eventually manage to talk myself into seeing the silver lining or perhaps accepting that I’m going to be suffering for the same reasons in the near future, and more importantly knowing that the situation is not something I can control.  I know I’m gonna be hurting regardless of what I do, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a friend to myself and find ways to take care of myself at my lower points in life. For example for an upcoming ~situation~, I’ve planned out shows to watch, books to read and work outs to do, in an effort to keep myself busy and hopefully make myself tired enough that I’ll fall asleep quickly.

I’ve learnt from countless hours of psychology lessons about how avoiding things that induce anxiety will only reinforce the fear, so I’m trying to be at peace with such anxiety inducing stimuli in hopes of helping myself get over them. While the fear is very much so still there and I really don’t want those things to happen, I’ve almost convinced myself this is a good idea. Almost. Plus there is no alternative, I have to learn to cope with these things.

I hope my rambles have made sense. The only person you truly have in your life is yourself, so treat yourself right.

Until next time 🙂

 

You don’t want kids??

As a girl, I’ve noticed that the topic of whether I want children crops up every so often, sometimes teachers just talk as though they expect all of us to have children. And my answer usually shocks the people asking, some even seem offended.

Most people I’ve talked to start interrogating me as to why I don’t want them, as if I should have a presentation ready to show them. I get told I’ll want them in the future, I get told my life will be boring without them and on and on.

But let me tell you why I don’t want kids, maybe in the future I can direct future interrogators to this blog post!

  • Pregnancy is uncomfortable and puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position
  • Child birth is incredibly painful and my vagina doesn’t deserve that
  • I can’t stand the idea of spending the rest of my life dedicated to making sure this tiny human doesn’t become a screw up
  • Children are expensive
  • They’re messy
  • I want to go on holidays to relax, not be frustrated because little Jimmy over here forgot his teddy at home and wants to have a tantrum instead of getting on the plane. Plus flights are cheaper during off peak season
  • Getting good amounts of sleep
  • Really don’t like the idea of having someone depend on me like that
  • I just want to live for me and be as relaxed as I can be with my partner, instead of stressing about dress up day and exams
  • Also I don’t really like children, like I won’t be a huge dick to them but I would rather not have to be around them

A much better alternative for me would be pets!! Maybe a rabbit, cat or a dog! Maybe all three! They’re cute, fluffy and won’t talk back to me.

What are your thoughts, do you want kids or not?

Until next time 🙂

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Sex | My introduction

So, sex.

I did say I’d end up talking about it so let’s not be too scandalised here! I’ve been trying to break into the world of comfortably and casually talking about sex on my blog but I didn’t know how to so naturally, I just went ahead and did it!

I watch the likes of Hannah Witton and Melanie Murphy on YouTube, both of whom I think are fantastic women and I seriously need to get round to buying their books! Of the many many things that are amazing about them, they both comfortably speak about sex and all sex related things without the awkwardness. In a way I think sex should be talked about anyway, because it is normal and shouldn’t be considered as something taboo or even life changing. You won’t become a whole new person just because you had sex, trust me. Nor will anyone notice!

Sex can be a wonderful experience that you share with someone, it doesn’t have to be someone you’ve been in a relationship with for years if you don’t want it to be. Consent is key and please wait til you’re of legal age… On that note, just because you are of legal age doesn’t mean you have to have sex asap. Even if it feels great (?) to be able to say you’ve had sex, eventually you might regret rushing into just because it felt like everyone else was doing it. Some people are well into their 20s, 30s and beyond because they haven’t found someone they want to experience that with. And some people just don’t bother with it at all because it isn’t their jam, either way it’s all good.

Another tidbit of advice, I wouldn’t have high hopes for your first time. I highly doubt there will be fireworks going off in the background and if there were I’d be slightly worried about where it is that you’re having sex….

Big pink fireworks

Not all first time experiences are always horrific but because you’re just a tad inexperienced and if this is also your partner’s first time then you both have some fumbling around to do! Which just adds to the experience if I’m being honest, if you can find someone you can fumble (and fail with) and be able to laugh about it after (or even during!) then I think you’ve still had a successful experience!

There’s far more to this conversation that what I’ve merely outlined here, there will be more posts to come! Feel free to ask questions/leave ideas in the comments, on twitter or on Instagram! If I can answer them or write a post about them then I definitely will!

Until next time 🙂

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Self hosting | My experience

This is gonna be a long one guys, get some snacks!

As some of you may be aware, I went self hosted and created this blog back in November. I was asked if I could talk about how it all went down for me, so here we go! (Just to say, this is all just from my experience with the sites I used and as a wordpress blogger. It might vary from other bloggers!)

I toyed around with the idea of self hosting for a few months, I already had a blog but I wasn’t satisfied with it so I thought I’d start fresh but with my new blog being self hosted. I researched A LOT. For an unemployed 17 year old, self hosting seemed like a huge huge investment. But I enjoyed blogging so much and I wanted to make it a bit more professional, maybe hope to start making money from it in a few years. On an off chance I told my parents about self hosting on the way home from London one weekend and they were all like “Why didn’t you tell us sooner??” They offered to help me out with the financial side and it seemed silly of me to turn it down.

Prices:

I spent the next few days immersed in hosting websites, making lists of who asked for how much, how much it would roughly be per month, how much it would cost for the second year (because a lot of sites offer a discount for the first year),  how much the domain would cost etc.

Because you have to also buy a domain as well as self hosting.

The general trend I found with most websites was that you paid for a whole year up front, there was none of that pay per month business, for the most part, which was why I was low key stressed out in the first place because most sites ask for £100+ by the time you’ve added things like security and a backup in case everything goes wrong. Ya girl doesn’t have that kinda cash lying around!

I ended up using godaddy for both my domain and self hosting and for the first year it totalled to £77.98 for the first year, and I believe the domain was free for this year. For the second year, however, it’ll move up to about £85 as I’d also be paying for the domain for this time. Which in all honesty is actually a pretty decent price, the other websites I looked into asked for £100+/year and I wasn’t willing to spend that much. Although websites are always having offers so you may be able to snap it up for a bit less for your first year!

The process:

So once you’ve chosen what kind of package you want and have chosen your new domain name, you pay of course, and then (if you’re a wordpress user) you’ll be given the option to download wordpress.org. Most self host sites offer one click installation so that it’s all clean and simple!

WordPress.com and wordpress.org are two different things, wordpress.com is where you’ve been hosted by wordpress and your work wasn’t really your own.  It could’ve been deleted by wordpress and you can’t really do much against that, for example. However with wordpress.org, this where you’re self-hosted. So, for example, you own your content and only you have the power to delete it. I hope that makes sense.

Now I had already started my blog as a wordpress.com blog while I finished doing blogtober on my old one. So I transferred what I had from this new blog to this one, to do that you go to the admin page of your blog (www.yourblogname.wordpress.com/wp-admin) and you should find a button somewhere that allows you to export your content (as an XML file), followers, comments etc. So that you can then import it into the new one. Now for me this was just one blog post and nothing else, seeing as I was starting fresh, but it’s nice to know you don’t lose everything. However, your theme will not transfer over to this blog. So the first thing you should probably do once you’ve imported your old content is to start playing around with the themes to figure out what you’d like.

After that, start seeing what kinda plugins you’d like to install! Which is something I don’t think you do with a wordpress.com blog. I would definitely recommend getting Jetpack as it shows you your stats the same way it did on wordpress.com, very useful! Don’t think too much about plugins, but do just rifle through and see what would benefit your blogging experience!

I appreciate this was a really long post, thank you if you’ve managed to get this far! I hope I’ve helped some people out and if you still have questions drop me a comment or a dm over on Twitter and I’ll try my best to answer it!

Until next time 🙂

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Reflecting on 2017

Hey everyone! I hope you had a happy Christmas, and if Christmas isn’t your thing then I hope you’ve been having a nice chilled week!

In an attempt to be positive, half way through this fairly miserable year I restarted an old idea of mine. Where I write on small slips of paper good things that happen throughout the year, put them in a jar and then I go through and read them all at the end of the year. Seeing as it’s nearing the end of 2017 I thought I’d share them with you guys, there aren’t as many seeing as I only started this in July and kept forgetting about it!

I do plan to do this again for 2018 and will definitely do a round up post this time next year!

Here we go, not even in chronological order:

  1. I passed my theory test for driving
  2. Still a vegetarian! (1.5 years and counting!)
  3. I have a cactus
  4. My skin has improved massively
  5. Have started getting into cruelty free makeup
  6. I got a new room
  7. I’ve started journaling
  8. My body confidence and general self esteem has improved a lot
  9. I cut my hair (12 inches!)  and donated it to charity
  10. My poetry has improved
  11. Started self hosting my blog
  12. Still going strong my bf <3
  13. Really started appreciating Tamil films, songs and the language in general. (Tamil is my ‘mother tongue’ if you were wondering)
  14. I’m a lot less stressed at school, and this year is going much better than the last

There isn’t as many as there usually would be but I’m still happy about this list. I hope 2018 brings even better memories than this year, for all of us!

I have one more post that falls perfectly on New year’s eve, so until next time 🙂

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My actual thoughts on Christmas

Now, I don’t hate Christmas by any means, I enjoy the beautiful decor and general atmosphere in the weeks leading up to the big day. But you may have noticed the staggering lack of Christmassy posts from me in the sea of blogmas and just general Christmas content.

Christmas wasn’t really “enforced” growing up, it was always low key and quiet. Done for the sake of my brothers and I. Seeing as I don’t have much family in England, Christmas day wasn’t as extravagant as it was expected to be. After the initial present opening, the rest of the day seemed relatively normal.

While I do enjoy being organised and starting my Christmas shopping before December has even begun, it is a bit bothersome that you see Christmas splashed everywhere that you go from November onwards. Not because it’s too early as such, more that you get tired of it by the time the actual season rolls around.

There’s also the pressure to get presents, naturally. With some people there’s a blurry line whether you should get them something or not, always causes me some level of stress. But aside from that and the financial strain, I love getting presents for people I care about. Especially when you get to see their reaction to it, I think I did good with the presents I’ve gotten people this year even if I do say so myself! Although getting my bank statement for this month wasn’t all that great…

If I were to sort out my thoughts into a sentence it’s that I enjoy the atmosphere and the build up to it, just not that bothered about Christmas day itself.

How do you feel about Christmas?

Until next time 🙂

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Winter and my productivity

If you know me, you know I’ve always said that I loved Winter and Autumn. While that’s still true, I have a bone to pick with Winter. The cold I can deal with, the wind and rain, even the snow that makes life difficult, I can deal with all of that. But getting dark at 4pm? Really?

I was always adamant that I loved every part of these two cold seasons, but not anymore. The dark means that my parents are even more hesitant that usual to let me out. So ok, I’m stuck at home, now what? Nothing, because it takes a tremendous amount of effort to get any form of work done seeing as the lack of light outside makes me want to get into bed and stay there until it’s Spring…

Which isn’t useful when you have a blog to run and sixth form to get through… Plus, seeing as it’s basically pitch black by 5pm when 8pm rolls around I’m so ready to go to bed but I then realise I can’t after I look at the time and then at all the things I need to get done. 

Winter can be beautiful, incredibly so. As can the dark, “without the darkness, we’d never see the stars” etc. However, by living in a city I rarely see the stars anyway so there goes that.

In general, the dark doesn’t have a great affect on my mood and mindset. If I sit in the dark for too long, I just start feeling down and incredibly unmotivated for life. Sometimes I don’t get why it’s happening to me until I turn the light on and then it’s like ah right…

So the Summer wins on this one, and only this one,  brighter evenings are nice and I’d quite like them back now thanks.

Do you guys feel like this, or am I just being overly dramatic?

Until next time 🙂

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How much of my makeup is cruelty free?

As a vegetarian (working on being vegan), the lives of animals are just a tad bit important to me as are the conditions they live in. So naturally I’ve started looking into cruelty free makeup, at first I thought I had mostly non cruelty free (cruel?) makeup but after actually researching and having a look at my collection I’ve realised it’s quite the opposite!

So first up here are the ‘cruel’ makeup items that I have:

These are currently the two foundations that I own, I don’t wear them though because they make me all spotty and red afterwards. Plus my skin is fairly clear now, don’t need to run the risk of ruining it all over again. I’m thinking of donating them to a women’s charity if I can find one that’s ok with products being lightly used.

The rest of these are split up by brand, so this one is Avon. Which is a weird one, they say that they have not tested on animals in 25 years but then they say that they would if the law requires it. Now the only place that I know of that requires animal testing by law is China so they could just not sell in China :/

Next brand is Rimmel, which states very clearly on their website that they are against animal testing. However, they sell in China sooo the above point applies.

Maybelline, they test on animals because they sell in China also it’s owned by L’oreal which also tests on animals so it’s all absolutely wonderful.

Total of 11 cruel makeup products.

And then my cruelty free makeup is as follows:

All my cruelty free makeup is £10 and under, I don’t like to spend too much money in general so it’s not like I’m going to change my stance for makeup. The brands that I have are as follows:

  • Primark makeup
  • MUA
  • Makeup Revolution (& SophXmakeuprevolution)
  • Collection
  • Soap and glory
  • NYX*
  • Sleek*

*Parent company isn’t cruelty free

Total cruelty free makeup: 26

All in all I think I’m not doing too awfully, I am going to try and use up as much of the cruel makeup as I can. Or at least donate it to people who need it more than I do. (Giving it to Women’s shelters etc)

How cruel is your makeup collection?

Until next time 🙂

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Why I love to write

They say to be a good writer you need to read a lot. So that’s where my story begins, for as long as I can remember I’ve loved reading and books. Sometimes I get interested in other things for a period of time, like makeup, but I always wander back to books. I, of course, still love makeup but not to the magnitude that I love books.
But I haven’t been a writer as long as I’ve been a reader, I always wanted to write books but I wasn’t that great at it. I gave it a good go though! Then this year I revisited poetry, and I have enjoyed it. I still write poems but they usually stem from a raw and painful emotion I’m feeling at the time of writing it and sharing those poems would be equal to bearing my soul to you all. Which I’m not ready for, I can barely go back and read them the next day in fear of falling back into that place.
But I forgot how much I love writing these past few months, with the constant essays and coursework it’s easy to forget how to write from the soul.
And I love blogging, but I haven’t felt creative this past month. I’ve been so wrapped up in trying to monetise it and grow my following that I haven’t truly been writing about what want to write about. To be creative and let me soul speak for itself. All the blog posts I see around me are all about growing your blog, how to figure out SEO and monetising your blog.
All of which I appreciate very much and refer to when I’m stuck, but I don’t think I can write about those things and enjoy it. I want to make people feel something. Help them on a more personal scale, something that goes beyond how to grow your blog or what the latest lipstick I’m using is. I don’t want my blog to be a prettier version of the review section of Amazon or an instruction manual.
I don’t think I’m going to start spouting out stories and poems on this blog, I don’t think it’ll mesh well with the rest of my content and who knows how often I’ll be able to come up with that kind of content.
And my blog? Well, I think I vaguely know what I’ll be doing with it, I’ll just continue on with writing the posts that I feel passionate about and see where it takes me!
Until next time 🙂
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An experience with catcalling

So remember in my first post where I said I’m not afraid to talk about the hush hush topics of life? Yeah here’s one of them.

Catcalling, one of the many delights us women face. Just keep in mind that this post is about ONE instance.

So, I got dressed for school and I was really happy with how I looked, more so than usual. I looked in the mirror and my first thought was “I look really good today!” Now my self-esteem isn’t horrendous but most days it’s more on the side of “eh it’ll do.”

As I was walking to school after my dad had dropped me off, I was outside for all of three minutes, in those three minutes two guys had honked their horns at me and the second made weird suggestive faces once he had gotten my attention. To which I rolled my eyes and went back to looking at my phone. Once I had crossed the road and gotten away from that creep, I began to feel uncomfortable. My previously positive thoughts about my looks were clouded with doubts.

Is my skirt too short?

Maybe I should cover my thighs with my bag…

Is anyone else looking at me funny?

And once I realised what was happening, I got angry. I tried to remind myself of how happy I felt when I looked in the mirror this morning.

And as if that wasn’t enough, while I was walking down after meeting my bf we walked past a bunch of builders. Now I’m not gonna lie, I was nervous. Maybe not nearly as much as if I was alone, but nervous nonetheless. Which is disgusting, that I can’t even walk to my own school in broad daylight without feeling self-conscious.

But I had faith, my boyfriend was right there so surely nothing would happen right? Nope. I walked through this group of builders with my boyfriend walking behind me, one of them was staring as I walked by and had the AUDACITY to tap my bf’s arm and make a suggestive face. THE FUCKING AUDACITY!!

Similar things have happened before but never so many in such a small space of time. All of this, from start to finish, probably happened in a 20 minute period?

To make matters worse, most guys don’t see what they’re doing as wrong. “Take it as a compliment” How about no. A compliment is when my friend tells me my hair looks nice, not when some low life creep honks his horn at me or when some guy old enough to be my dad no, be my granddad glues his eyes to my legs and won’t look away until I’m out of sight. Elders aren’t so wise when they think with their dicks.

Honestly, you don’t see lesbians staring open mouthed at other women. If they can be sexually attracted to women and still be a decent human being, I think men might just be able to manage it too.

Until next time 🙂

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